Saturday, January 7, 2012

Drunk Pally Healing

The Drunken Holy Paladin & Drink Recommendations

Inspired by Boulderface's shaman guide, along with booze, I've decided to write a holy paladin drunken healing guide. Well, maybe not a guide as much as a bunch of tips. I often heal drunk and while some argue this can be detrimental, I like to believe it differs from person to person. You have to get that fine balance of booze and energy drink to be truly glorious at healing. Light beams will shoot out of your tits and into your allies with the majesty and skill you have always dreamed of.

First of all, make sure you have healbot because fuck everything else. You need those big green buttons so you can see shit even when your vision is blurry. Those big buttons also make it easy to aim your mouse, you have a large target area with those buttons so you should be able to hit it and heal it in time even if you're falling out of your chair. Put all your trinkets on there and make your big, main heals simple clicks so even when you're trashed you just click on some DK's name who's almost dead and BOOM you're all good. 

PvE is easy, just click the buttons if you see the green turning any other color than green. Cleanse for purple, dark green, blue..fuck it, try it on any color the bar turns if health is full. Heal if the bar starts chipping away. Just put beacon on the tank because you really don't want to give a shit about all that  beacon switching piss when you're drunk, trust me, it doesn't matter. If you have any DK's in your group, keep an eye on those fuckers because they ARE going to pull aggro and almost die at least 15-20 times throughout the dungeon, don't even play, you know it's true, girl.

If you're healing in PvP just avoid hunters. Just run away from them, if you can /cry while running if they see you, they will feel bad and leave you alone, especially if you're a sexy female Bloodelf, because no one likes to see a woman cry....well, maybe some do, but fuck them they are assholes. If you're a Tauren this probably wont work because your /cry emotes are terrible and impossible to feel pity for. Dwarves also have no hope with this strategy, sorry. Humans, I don't know what to tell you, you're a bit derpy looking but some people might find it cute. Draenei are pretty sexy, but only if you're female. You guys might have as much power if not more than Bloodelves. Holy pallies, if you run into a druid in bear form, just run in circles around him while slapping that big bear ass and spamming holy shock and word of glory. This will probably go on for hours, until someone intervenes which probably won't happen, especially if you're in warsong gulch. If you run into a mage you might as well go take a piss while they kill you. If you're being focused by a frost mage you have a 99.5% mortality rate. The 5% of hope is if someone decides to help you, but you'll probably both die anyway in the end.

If you're drinking whiskey, avoid playing any healing class. Whiskey is for aggressive dps folks, your balls will be so big after a few shots you could never sit in the background healing. My buzz ran out so I'm done talking about this shit.


  1. Vodka that tastes like cake?
    I must investigate this.

    *stamp of approval*

  2. Yes! Pinnacle has a ton of weird vodka flavors and every one I've tried so far was awesome. They have things like cake, whipped cream, chocolate whipped cream, cotton candy, swedish fish, marshmellow and a bunch of others. It's good shit :D